The Wild World of Conception

When I was just 19 I discovered I had become pregnant, very much by accident. I would soon become a college drop-out, and a married mother at 20. By 21 I was divorced, and the single mother of a 15-month old. I was scared shitless(for lack of a better word) through most of this time, but we made do.
Just before I turned 21, I met Phillip. He was also almost 21, we were both just children really. We both knew though, our lives would be spent together forever.....we would grow old together. What we didn't have was a plan. I had a home for us to live in-thanks to a very wonderful grandmother. We were both working.....this being how we met. We knew we had to make a future for our family, so I set out to find a full-time position that we could actually live on and Phil re-enrolled in college courses.
Tyler continued to grow, and we decided to marry when Tyler was nearly four. Phillip then legally adopted him a few months after our marriage. I continued to work, Phil cranked it out at school.
All of this, and we knew someday we would want more children, but we were sure we wanted it to be different. We wanted to "TRY" We wanted to be stable financially. We needed Phil to have a degree.
Well, you know, things became a bit rocky, and we spent a few months apart after five years together. This happens sometimes, and we have both learned and worked to resolve all of the issues that had become our marriage and life.
With a new nephew and a fresh outlook on our love and marriage....remember....we were just kids really when we met, and we had sort of taught each other how to live in an adult world, we decided it was time.
We would try to have a baby. This was December 2006. One time. We tried one freaking time. I had been looking so forward to planning with this baby, and it only took one time. We hit the conception jackpot. I had friends who had been trying for years.
These friends have spent a fortune, miscarried, some even have resolved that it is just not going to happen.
All was well until about the middle of week ten, the usual signs of miscarriage began to occur,and I was a mess. How could this happen? I was like some sort of text book, I did everything perfect. My amazing OB told us that is was just a random thing...one in five end in miscarriage.
I had to have the D&C and we had to try to get on with our lives. This sucked. Maternity clothes in the closet, baby purchases, the explaining to everyone, the run-ins while I would be drinking a beer and someone would actually ask me how I was feeling. I mean come on people, would I really drink a beer!
It was awful, and then we were told we had to wait three months to try again. The seemed like the longest three months of my life.
Finally, we were given the go ahead, and this time the first month wasn't so lucky. I know I shouldn't be complaining, but I did have high expectations.
Now we are waiting....it is month two, and Phil has forbidden me to take another test early(I took one the other day upon finding out that two of my best friends are expecting-I knew it was too early, but God, I want two pink lines).
So, we wait. I pray and pray, please Lord, give me a baby, let this be your will.
I feel guilty....so many women are trying and trying for their first.
I have an amazing son.....I am blessed to be a mother....to have been pregnant.
I don't want to try the crazy stuff that is out there to help speed this process along.....and as Phil says.....let's worry about the one we have now, and just see what happens.
I will always worry about the one I have, and wish for the one I don't.